La La Land.

i’ve been staring off into space for the past hour and a half. is it possible to think about nothing and everything all at once? i suppose, not. it’s more like thinking about nothing and feeling everything all at once.

i’m not in a state of being “upset”…ok, maybe just a bit. but more doing my due diligence to *not* shut off and shut down.

i’m really tired.
feels like the weight of the world has, again, been handed to me and i can’t ask for help. i mean, i’ve tried, but no avail.

how is it possible to feel so alone sometimes when i can see with my eyes that i am surrounded by people?

its weird how i can sit here with my eyes watering (not crying) yet feel numb all at once. i obviously must be feeling something if i’m having this physical reaction. but i’m so shut off now, that i can’t identify one emotion from the next.

there’s a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest.

dealing, fixing, moving, pasting, cutting, standing and being (during these times) on my own. the pattern is hitting home & it hurts and kind of lonely…more than i expected or anticipated.

is it fair to expect more?

“…then don’t feel that way…”
“…then don’t
…”

i’ve heard this more times than i’d rather and it still knocks me on my ass every time. it’s asking & begging for me to just stop talking. stop asking. stop wanting. stop looking. stop communicating.

though i know the root of the reaction, it doesn’t make it any easier.

i am only human.

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