The (Expectations of) Words.

wow…i just realized WordPress has completely changed their UI…it’s been that long…

anyhow, i just got back from seeing the film “The Words” w/bri.

it was a beautifully written film, good enough that it inspired me to sit in front of my computer to jot down my thoughts.

anyhow, there was something in the film that Bradley Cooper’s character was going through that I am currently struggling with.

“I’m not who I thought I was, and I’m terrified that I never will be.”

funny that this came up now because i’ve been struggling a lot with that same thought…

we all have expectations of ourselves. we imagine what we will be and where we will be in particular times in life. i never saw my life past 21. and, that’s not because i was suicidal or anything – i just never had a clear plan or path. but, somehow i ended up where i am. i don’t make millions (not even close.) but, i somehow am in the most (financially) stable postion that i’ve ever been in to date. and sometimes i wonder how i got here…

in the movie, Bradley Cooper’s character says something to the fact that he “looks at your life, and his life, and everyone else’s life…” and i do the same thing, a lot, throughout my entire life. i’ve always looked at my various partners’ lives throughout my lifetime. i’ve looked at my friends lives and their paths…and i envy people that just know where they are headed. bri – she knows what she wants to do. she’s dedicated her life from her undergrad days to date setting herself up for what she does today. she’s found her life’s niche.

that was just an example. i look at various people’s lives and they have a clear path. i’m still trying to figure out what i’m doing. if i ever lose my job or decide to leave, i wouldn’t know what my next step would be. it scares me to death in part because i don’t have the option to fail. as most people know, i only have my mother; i don’t have siblings or any other (blood-related) family here. i don’t have a safety net. but somehow, i’ve always been lucky and i somehow have always been ok.

maybe it’s learning how to roll with whatever comes my way..or maybe it’s learning diligence…or maybe it’s all of the above with a sprinkle of luck. perhaps not having the option to fail is what drives me; maybe it’s the fear of failing. whatever it may be, i am grateful to be as lucky as i have been.

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