The 5 year itch.

I anticipate this to be a slightly lengthy.  I mean, it’s been 5 years since I’ve touched this thing.  So much has happened between then and now.  This, brain vomit, won’t serve as a complete time lapse / recap; I’m using this space to digitally vomit my thoughts that have been swirling around today to free up some space. 🙂

My nomadic best friend of 15 years (and counting) is here visiting.  I never really know where she is in the world.  So, when she’s here, I eat it up.  My home usually serves as her home base when she’s in town and I’m more than happy to have her quirks and energy here.

YouTube was passively playing on my TV this morning and an old vdo popped up of a Korean son and mother dancing to Gangnam Style (bear with me.)  The vdo, at face value, was/is entertaining.  As I was watching it, I started to think about how this (I assume) immigrant mother was popping with her son.  How she probably came here from her homeland for a better life for her family and all the sacrifices and things she did to have a successful and meaningful life for her family.  I also started to think about the culture differences between her break-dancing son and herself and how she lovingly participated with her son in one of his passions.  My thought process ended with how unconditional love is. (VDo embedded at the bottom.)

I guess the entire gist is this: I’m reminded of my way of thinking & perception.  I rarely see things at the surface.  If the opportunity presents itself, I always seem to go beyond and see all the underlined & undefined.  Like anything, it could be a blessing and curse and that’s likely dependent on the combination of how it’s managed and perception.

Lastly, today feels like I’m firing on all cylinders…in the good way.  But it also feels a bit overwhelming…which is why I need to digitally word vomit.  I’ve been skating and gliding through the past few years and kind of…just going.  At one point in time, “going with the flow” seemed great…and it can still be.  But I realized, because of that, I wasn’t being an intentional human being…which got me into various situations that didn’t serve me (honestly, harmed me more than anything.)

At this point in life, partly because I’m ready to turn the corner and also have felt pretty beat up, I’m trying to balance the carefree “go with the flow” and also be very intentional with my decisions and actions.  I think it’s important to have a balance of both.  The latter is what needs work.  I welcome the reintroduction of being particular and intentional.  It’s become foreign to me but I’m really ready to have my next phase in life be one of deep intention.  I feel like I’m finding my way back to myself.

holy shit.  kinda scary.  BRING IT.

Side note: I’ve been insanely hungry for creative release.  For me, that’s always a very very good sign.  Traditionally, when I feel inspired and starving to create – I know that the important pieces in my life are falling into place. #StayHungry




i love, unapologetically.  so hard that i don’t have a choice but to let it course through my veins; it’s in my DNA.  it is, in fact, all or nothing.  I let it run through my system and infect every part of me, spreading with copious amounts of force.  I need to lose all control to feel i have any control at all.

i am that person, that proud person, that loves to take pictures of us and proudly display them on my sleeve and in all of my environments; my home, my heart, my thoughts, through the computer screen, across thousands of miles and across all of our lifetimes. i love the surge of electricity and the pounding of my chest when fingertips meet & fingers intertwine. i love & appreciate everything about loving another human being – especially in THIS way. tracing the dips of your hips & the curve of your thighs; arching your back with the force of my beating heart pulsing through the palm of my hand. i can only love in this way.

i want to love in the way where all the beauty, the hurt, the scared, the scarred, the broken & bleeding are encompassed in what we call “being human” brings me to tears as i stand and stare..because it’s all beautiful; i am swallowed, alive.


i’ve been wanting to attempt to write something beautiful for a bit now, but have been rarely inspired…so i thought.  however, everyday i have this reoccurring appreciation, sometimes in the back of my mind & other times in the forefront of my skull, for the most beautiful thing in my eyes – the beauty of womyn.  so here, i will attempt to put to words, my absolute love & admiration for the womyn form.

when i was younger, post coming out, i would chase after girls like a young school boy.  i wanted to be in the company of, talk about & think of girls all the time.  i was a little “girl crazy”.  however, the older i get the more i truly admire and appreciate the art-form of a womyn…the way her hips sway with each step towards anywhere her two feet take her & the lines of muscles that drape her back that gives her the strength to carry the world…the way only a womyn can.

there is something about the outline of a womyn’s body that runs like slow-moving infinite waves with no beginning and no end.  a womyn’s warm, soft & silk-like skin against mine can stop the world from spinning, send a surge through my veins and in that moment i am free.

it’s almost unbearable, this beauty of womyn, but it is an anguish i could not do without.

The Brain In Love.

i spent my morning watching and listening to a lecture by Dr. Daniel G. Amen.  it was a facinating inside look on brain chemistry when in love, how to sustain long-lasting love (opposed to a matchbook-romance) and also how diet affects hormones (not only sexual hormones) and in turn, affecting relationships both in a postitive and negative ways.  (wow run-on sentence).  he also wrote a book on ADD / ADHD and different approaches on managing them called “magnificant mind at any age” (thanks for the recommendation, j)!

the entire lecture was about an hour long where he dove into brain activities, hemispheres, brain chemicals & chemistries…and far too many things to cover in one blog.  however, the last few points of the lecture drove me to take notes (yes, i really did).

1. a healthier brain equals a sexier you.
a. healthy diet
b. fish oil
c. exercise

2. its all about blood flow
a. 25% of blood flow goes to your brain.
b. get enough sleep (oversleeping also causes dullness and fog)

3. know your partner’s brain
a. different brains need different strategies
b. people with an overactive frontal lobe are the same people that love motorcycles, scary movies etc.
c. people with under-active frontal lobe like predictability.

4. boost the chemicals of love.
a. oxytocin = the cuddle hormone (enhanced by holding hands, cuddling, watching movies etc).
b. Phenylalanine aka: PEA (almonds, cheese, chocolate)

5. focus on what you love.
a. make a list of 7 things you love about your partner.  meditate about one each day. <– i think this is a great idea…
b. embed yourself in your partner’s brain.
c. always be on the look out to take your partner’s breath away.

6. kill the ANTs that infest your relationships
(ANT = automatic negative thoughts)
a. write out the ANTS
b. ask yourself if they are actually true.  ie: “he/she NEVER listens to me”.

7.  there are many reasons why people behave badly…simple answers are never sufficient.

i know my blog is not doing justice to the lecture, but it was a really facinating lecture.
i’m probably going to go out and get a couple of his books.  wonder if he has any other televised lectures?

in searching for the video lecture by dr. amen, i found this TEDTalks video on the same subject (lecture by dr. helen fisher).  she and her team took MRI’s of people that are madly in love & of those who were just dumped.