Insomnia Strikes!

Date: July 4, 2013
Time: 2.11 am
Status: Sleepless
Soundtrack: “Hero” – Family of the Year / “Belong” – Washed Out

i’m normally a professional at falling asleep. (staying asleep is a separate subject.) I don’t know what it is with tonight, but insomnia decided to come visit. whatever the case may be, she wanted to hang out so i spent the past 4 hours playing my guitar and belting out sour notes with her. she was good company, but it’s coming really close to the time where she needs to leave.

while playing & writing, i started to have a bunch of random realizations. the list in my head went something like this:

  1. i have an incredible affinity for gentle souls in all forms
    • (but especially in women. that gentle / nurturing energy is like kryptonite. this easily explains the draw to my partner.)
  2. i’m 30 something and, sometimes, it still feels like i’m trying to figure out my life.
  3. i’m a walking hypocrite.
    • (i.e: i LOVE neat & clean but my apt’s present state looks like i had a raging party [apparently for one.] i also LOVE being outside but work my face off indoors).

then i started listing more things i have appreciation for:

  1. animals (especially the ones of the k9 species).
  2. music
  3. backpacks
  4. insulated water bottles
  5. very fine-tip retractable gel pens (black only)

by having all of these thoughts (in list form) i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m probably distracting myself from something that needs to be attended to. what that is, i have no idea. hopefully i’ll figure it out.

i guess i should try to get some sleep since i need to be up early to get my day started and go hiking.

Oh yeah…HAPPY “INDEPENDENCE” ‘MERICA.

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Lost Cause

…only because I’m currently listening to Beck…

Anyhow, sometimes I get bombarded with these “personal epiphanies.”  What I normally do with them is store them in the back of my mind’s filing cabinet like an overdue bill.  for whatever reason, that habit is changing in this particular instance and for this particular circumstance.  I kind of realized today that I’ve been “coasting.”  I’ve been doing ok with the “status quo” and my daily…weekly routine.  

Now, my life isn’t bad; not at all, actually.  I have a good career, I live in one of America’s best cities, I’m surrounded by pretty amazing people, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.  but, sometimes, you don’t realize what more you can do for yourself & for others because you’re used to these routines that aren’t necessarily bad.

this weekend, i spent the long weekend with my partner.  we did not-so-crazy-extravagant-but-ever-so-priceless things like…well, we went to an outlet mall.  partner-love treated herself to some new (and hot) threads while i grabbed us some gadgets that allotted us the luxury of listening to good music at home through these wonderful devices.  Matter of fact, I was listening to Beck and now enjoying the Vaccines as I type.  Music is a big part of our lives.  It’s also a HUGE reason why we met & connected.  Anyhow, we’ve both been deprived of music in the house.  This feels damn good to have it accessible and in great quality and quantities; the way music & love should always be consumed.

I forgot how much music has an effect on me.  Since moving to SF, i haven’t had the opportunity to set up much of a sound system (other than my TV or laptop) due to lack of outlets.  (there are only so many surge protectors one can utilize without making one’s place look like a mad scientist’s lab).  Listening to music via laptop speakers leaves much to be desired.  so, this portable little gadget was certainly the right choice and good investment.

I also got my long-overdue-sasquatch-looking eyebrows threaded today.  this is something I used to do religiously every other week.  it’s nice to look like a normal human being with expressions again.

Lovely partner and I also made our way to Teavana. be forewarned: you will spend a lot of money on things that taste really good, are really pretty and are good for you.  

So, here I am listening to wonderful ear candy while having a cup of citrus lavender sage tea as I try to jot down this cluster fuck of thoughts.

The whole point of this post?  I realized more and more that I’ve been selling myself short.  I had stopped taking these extra little self-care steps and just trekked along and “getting by.”  I don’t mean fiscally, (although, San Francisco, you are VERY expensive and challenge my bank account constantly.) but rather, somewhere along the way, i seemed to have gotten a bit lost.  I had forgotten that taking care of oneself projects a lot more light & brightness into the world – your own and other’s.

it doesn’t take material things for self-care (though my aforementioned statements may make it seem as such.) but these are just staples in my life that ground me…these simple pleasures.

The next step is to de-clutter my surroundings; get rid of clothes I don’t wear, put away / sell / donate gadgets I no longer use, and stop settling for what isn’t advantageous just because it’s comfortable.

I’m kind of disappointed that I’ve “settled” a bit.  but, it’s never too late to do something new & different for the sake of inner peace.  (how hippy did THAT sound?)

PS: listening to Nick Drake’s “one of these things first.” you’ll thank me later. 

The Canyon Behind Her.

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do

I built a wall
It stretched one thousand miles
Set it off
(Massacre)
It’s holding up the roof
Breast feed your heart
Set it off

I saw a distant port
With no water to support
Burning the bridge between

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do

Never content nor satisfied
Tensions of self
The massacre changed history
Borderline paranoia
Yelling at their own rights
Set it off

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Though half of me is gone
The lonesome heart is there

I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half

coffee & cigarettes

Wake up, take your pills dear, I know this time of year ain’t
right for you…
You came with a sickness, shot down by Christmas,
Kamikaze rain…
And I’m sure you’ve lost that weight again,
I’m sure the pills keeping pouring in,
Like smoke that falls, Caving into you
So put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere… with you …

One night…when you woke up, you bled…till you spoke up,
Oh this ain’t pretty dear,
With clocks, watch the time go…til’ spring, when the sun can
finally be free…
And I’m sure you’ve lost that weight again,
I’m sure the pills keeping pouring in,
We’ll scream at night, to make them go away…
So put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane, and fly me to anywhere … with you …

…With you
…With you

We’ll scream at night to make them go away
So put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere
Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere… with you…
With you…
WIth you…

– Augustana

Simmuh Down Nah!

it feels like the dust is finally starting to settle & i’m getting this odd feeling…as if my head is finally peeking out of the dust clouds and “oh yeah, there’s me.” you know, it feels like what a fighter might feel like after fighting a 12 round bout. he might’ve won, but he’s tired. i’m almost too tired to think but i’m trying to get it all out to flush it out.

now that everyone is ok, i can sit down, look in the mirror & self-check. now that there’s time to feel & recover, i just want to lay in bed and sleep for days. my tired body & mind are searching for rest. i just have to be very careful in not confusing “resting” for “shutting off”. maybe i’m a lil’ depressed…i dunno…

i’ve had a long week…

it felt really good to listen to my enormous sarah mclachlan discography collection on my drive home. i was able to cry myself home. wow, how self-loathing does that sound? really, i’m not a cryer and i wasn’t exactly sad, per se. it was more of a relieving release. it was needed. sarah’s music is so settling.

i couldn’t help but repeat the track over and over…

really, i hate this self-loathing nonsense.

so, onto better revelations…
i’ve always been a firm believer of “you really don’t know someone until you ‘fight’ with them.” its a really big test and learning process for any type of relationship. it’s easy to love someone & be kind when things are peachy. but it’s a real show of character on how you love someone when things are not storybook.

over the weekend, i fell in love with her even more. i believe we’re a true testament of “growing together”.
so this is what it’s supposed to be like…

__________________________________________________________

off-subject: i hate when people use the term “da” for “the”.

maybe i’m just being closed minded because i just can’t seem to justify why that would be necessary. or maybe i’m just getting old and not into slang-talk…

: Elongated Stretch To Break :

I’ve pretty much have just been staring off into space today. just shutting everything off for a short bit because…well, all that i’ve been feeling today is frustration & exhaustion. i’m dying for some relief. i sound like such a baby at the moment, because the reality is: life isn’t that difficult right now. i’ve only been spent for the past weekend and today. its not like years and years of bs.

my preferred source of comfort isn’t available and the fact that she isn’t available is making me feel worse. i hate that i have that expectation and dependency (right now). that’s the most frustrating part. i never want someone to feel obligated, but damn it – i just want to hear her voice right now. oh well, good time to learn self-pacifying and coping skills.

its selfish, really, because life doesn’t revolve around me & i know that. she’s with her family for fuck’s sake, teadough. seriously, get a hold of yourself! i think its just because i’m at a pinnacle of frustration and she’s the most calming thing i know.

i think i’m tired of hearing myself whine.

here, listen to this.

enjoy.