Drive by evaluation…

i just sat here and asked myself a question i haven’t asked myself in a while. “What is holding you back?” I don’t have any particular or specific end point I want to reach at this point in time. but, rather, i just have a need to feel that I am stretching & expanding. The first response I gave myself, after asking the initial question, was another question; “what feels bad? what doesn’t make you feel good or happy?”

Maybe it’s just time for another self check, evaluation and purging.

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i love, unapologetically.  so hard that i don’t have a choice but to let it course through my veins; it’s in my DNA.  it is, in fact, all or nothing.  I let it run through my system and infect every part of me, spreading with copious amounts of force.  I need to lose all control to feel i have any control at all.

i am that person, that proud person, that loves to take pictures of us and proudly display them on my sleeve and in all of my environments; my home, my heart, my thoughts, through the computer screen, across thousands of miles and across all of our lifetimes. i love the surge of electricity and the pounding of my chest when fingertips meet & fingers intertwine. i love & appreciate everything about loving another human being – especially in THIS way. tracing the dips of your hips & the curve of your thighs; arching your back with the force of my beating heart pulsing through the palm of my hand. i can only love in this way.

i want to love in the way where all the beauty, the hurt, the scared, the scarred, the broken & bleeding are encompassed in what we call “being human” brings me to tears as i stand and stare..because it’s all beautiful; i am swallowed, alive.

Insomnia Strikes!

Date: July 4, 2013
Time: 2.11 am
Status: Sleepless
Soundtrack: “Hero” – Family of the Year / “Belong” – Washed Out

i’m normally a professional at falling asleep. (staying asleep is a separate subject.) I don’t know what it is with tonight, but insomnia decided to come visit. whatever the case may be, she wanted to hang out so i spent the past 4 hours playing my guitar and belting out sour notes with her. she was good company, but it’s coming really close to the time where she needs to leave.

while playing & writing, i started to have a bunch of random realizations. the list in my head went something like this:

  1. i have an incredible affinity for gentle souls in all forms
    • (but especially in women. that gentle / nurturing energy is like kryptonite. this easily explains the draw to my partner.)
  2. i’m 30 something and, sometimes, it still feels like i’m trying to figure out my life.
  3. i’m a walking hypocrite.
    • (i.e: i LOVE neat & clean but my apt’s present state looks like i had a raging party [apparently for one.] i also LOVE being outside but work my face off indoors).

then i started listing more things i have appreciation for:

  1. animals (especially the ones of the k9 species).
  2. music
  3. backpacks
  4. insulated water bottles
  5. very fine-tip retractable gel pens (black only)

by having all of these thoughts (in list form) i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m probably distracting myself from something that needs to be attended to. what that is, i have no idea. hopefully i’ll figure it out.

i guess i should try to get some sleep since i need to be up early to get my day started and go hiking.

Oh yeah…HAPPY “INDEPENDENCE” ‘MERICA.

Lost Cause

…only because I’m currently listening to Beck…

Anyhow, sometimes I get bombarded with these “personal epiphanies.”  What I normally do with them is store them in the back of my mind’s filing cabinet like an overdue bill.  for whatever reason, that habit is changing in this particular instance and for this particular circumstance.  I kind of realized today that I’ve been “coasting.”  I’ve been doing ok with the “status quo” and my daily…weekly routine.  

Now, my life isn’t bad; not at all, actually.  I have a good career, I live in one of America’s best cities, I’m surrounded by pretty amazing people, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.  but, sometimes, you don’t realize what more you can do for yourself & for others because you’re used to these routines that aren’t necessarily bad.

this weekend, i spent the long weekend with my partner.  we did not-so-crazy-extravagant-but-ever-so-priceless things like…well, we went to an outlet mall.  partner-love treated herself to some new (and hot) threads while i grabbed us some gadgets that allotted us the luxury of listening to good music at home through these wonderful devices.  Matter of fact, I was listening to Beck and now enjoying the Vaccines as I type.  Music is a big part of our lives.  It’s also a HUGE reason why we met & connected.  Anyhow, we’ve both been deprived of music in the house.  This feels damn good to have it accessible and in great quality and quantities; the way music & love should always be consumed.

I forgot how much music has an effect on me.  Since moving to SF, i haven’t had the opportunity to set up much of a sound system (other than my TV or laptop) due to lack of outlets.  (there are only so many surge protectors one can utilize without making one’s place look like a mad scientist’s lab).  Listening to music via laptop speakers leaves much to be desired.  so, this portable little gadget was certainly the right choice and good investment.

I also got my long-overdue-sasquatch-looking eyebrows threaded today.  this is something I used to do religiously every other week.  it’s nice to look like a normal human being with expressions again.

Lovely partner and I also made our way to Teavana. be forewarned: you will spend a lot of money on things that taste really good, are really pretty and are good for you.  

So, here I am listening to wonderful ear candy while having a cup of citrus lavender sage tea as I try to jot down this cluster fuck of thoughts.

The whole point of this post?  I realized more and more that I’ve been selling myself short.  I had stopped taking these extra little self-care steps and just trekked along and “getting by.”  I don’t mean fiscally, (although, San Francisco, you are VERY expensive and challenge my bank account constantly.) but rather, somewhere along the way, i seemed to have gotten a bit lost.  I had forgotten that taking care of oneself projects a lot more light & brightness into the world – your own and other’s.

it doesn’t take material things for self-care (though my aforementioned statements may make it seem as such.) but these are just staples in my life that ground me…these simple pleasures.

The next step is to de-clutter my surroundings; get rid of clothes I don’t wear, put away / sell / donate gadgets I no longer use, and stop settling for what isn’t advantageous just because it’s comfortable.

I’m kind of disappointed that I’ve “settled” a bit.  but, it’s never too late to do something new & different for the sake of inner peace.  (how hippy did THAT sound?)

PS: listening to Nick Drake’s “one of these things first.” you’ll thank me later. 

open…open…open..

i’ve been struggling with motivation, lately.  i work from home with a job that allows me to have a comfortable life, yet i still want more.  i still feel there is something missing in my life.  i’ve been in the bay for over a year now and…it has so much to offer.  

 i feel like i’m cheating myself. this city has everything to experience within it’s 7 mile radius.  yet, i sit in my living room working, step out for a bite and find myself planted back on my couch.  i feel like i’m on the path of someone i never wanted to be.  i went from an active social human being so a workaholic.

where has my motivation go? i think it’s the tight-knit group of friends i had back home.  i knew i could call anyone at anytime and someone would be there.  here, it’s rare when i can get someone to pick up the phone.  it’s not for the lack of “love,” i don’t think…it’s just different here so far.

the cost of living is stupid expensive too.  matter of fact, as of today, it’s the #1 most expensive city to live in.  yay.

i’ve always wanted to succeed, professionally and this is the best of done (financially) with my life, to date.  however, i’m missing my family (blood related and chosen).  i guess it’s a huge learning lesson for me.  it doesn’t matter how much you make if there isn’t a family around to enjoy it with.

maybe i just need to give this town a chance and do my part to open up my arms as the bay has done for me and for every other resident here.

The (Expectations of) Words.

wow…i just realized WordPress has completely changed their UI…it’s been that long…

anyhow, i just got back from seeing the film “The Words” w/bri.

it was a beautifully written film, good enough that it inspired me to sit in front of my computer to jot down my thoughts.

anyhow, there was something in the film that Bradley Cooper’s character was going through that I am currently struggling with.

“I’m not who I thought I was, and I’m terrified that I never will be.”

funny that this came up now because i’ve been struggling a lot with that same thought…

we all have expectations of ourselves. we imagine what we will be and where we will be in particular times in life. i never saw my life past 21. and, that’s not because i was suicidal or anything – i just never had a clear plan or path. but, somehow i ended up where i am. i don’t make millions (not even close.) but, i somehow am in the most (financially) stable postion that i’ve ever been in to date. and sometimes i wonder how i got here…

in the movie, Bradley Cooper’s character says something to the fact that he “looks at your life, and his life, and everyone else’s life…” and i do the same thing, a lot, throughout my entire life. i’ve always looked at my various partners’ lives throughout my lifetime. i’ve looked at my friends lives and their paths…and i envy people that just know where they are headed. bri – she knows what she wants to do. she’s dedicated her life from her undergrad days to date setting herself up for what she does today. she’s found her life’s niche.

that was just an example. i look at various people’s lives and they have a clear path. i’m still trying to figure out what i’m doing. if i ever lose my job or decide to leave, i wouldn’t know what my next step would be. it scares me to death in part because i don’t have the option to fail. as most people know, i only have my mother; i don’t have siblings or any other (blood-related) family here. i don’t have a safety net. but somehow, i’ve always been lucky and i somehow have always been ok.

maybe it’s learning how to roll with whatever comes my way..or maybe it’s learning diligence…or maybe it’s all of the above with a sprinkle of luck. perhaps not having the option to fail is what drives me; maybe it’s the fear of failing. whatever it may be, i am grateful to be as lucky as i have been.