i’ve been struggling with motivation, lately.  i work from home with a job that allows me to have a comfortable life, yet i still want more.  i still feel there is something missing in my life.  i’ve been in the bay for over a year now and…it has so much to offer.  

 i feel like i’m cheating myself. this city has everything to experience within it’s 7 mile radius.  yet, i sit in my living room working, step out for a bite and find myself planted back on my couch.  i feel like i’m on the path of someone i never wanted to be.  i went from an active social human being so a workaholic.

where has my motivation go? i think it’s the tight-knit group of friends i had back home.  i knew i could call anyone at anytime and someone would be there.  here, it’s rare when i can get someone to pick up the phone.  it’s not for the lack of “love,” i don’t think…it’s just different here so far.

the cost of living is stupid expensive too.  matter of fact, as of today, it’s the #1 most expensive city to live in.  yay.

i’ve always wanted to succeed, professionally and this is the best of done (financially) with my life, to date.  however, i’m missing my family (blood related and chosen).  i guess it’s a huge learning lesson for me.  it doesn’t matter how much you make if there isn’t a family around to enjoy it with.

maybe i just need to give this town a chance and do my part to open up my arms as the bay has done for me and for every other resident here.


The (Expectations of) Words.

wow…i just realized WordPress has completely changed their UI…it’s been that long…

anyhow, i just got back from seeing the film “The Words” w/bri.

it was a beautifully written film, good enough that it inspired me to sit in front of my computer to jot down my thoughts.

anyhow, there was something in the film that Bradley Cooper’s character was going through that I am currently struggling with.

“I’m not who I thought I was, and I’m terrified that I never will be.”

funny that this came up now because i’ve been struggling a lot with that same thought…

we all have expectations of ourselves. we imagine what we will be and where we will be in particular times in life. i never saw my life past 21. and, that’s not because i was suicidal or anything – i just never had a clear plan or path. but, somehow i ended up where i am. i don’t make millions (not even close.) but, i somehow am in the most (financially) stable postion that i’ve ever been in to date. and sometimes i wonder how i got here…

in the movie, Bradley Cooper’s character says something to the fact that he “looks at your life, and his life, and everyone else’s life…” and i do the same thing, a lot, throughout my entire life. i’ve always looked at my various partners’ lives throughout my lifetime. i’ve looked at my friends lives and their paths…and i envy people that just know where they are headed. bri – she knows what she wants to do. she’s dedicated her life from her undergrad days to date setting herself up for what she does today. she’s found her life’s niche.

that was just an example. i look at various people’s lives and they have a clear path. i’m still trying to figure out what i’m doing. if i ever lose my job or decide to leave, i wouldn’t know what my next step would be. it scares me to death in part because i don’t have the option to fail. as most people know, i only have my mother; i don’t have siblings or any other (blood-related) family here. i don’t have a safety net. but somehow, i’ve always been lucky and i somehow have always been ok.

maybe it’s learning how to roll with whatever comes my way..or maybe it’s learning diligence…or maybe it’s all of the above with a sprinkle of luck. perhaps not having the option to fail is what drives me; maybe it’s the fear of failing. whatever it may be, i am grateful to be as lucky as i have been.

hi do you have new year resolution?

sorry, this is a bit late. i normally don’t do the "new year’s resolution" thing. however, i’ve contradicted myself this year & had a "delayed resolution". it was just a promise to myself to treat myself as well as i would treat others. in addition, "i resolve to be magical." 🙂
while we’re on it, here’s a great blog to read:
cheers! – t

Ask me anything

365 days – a photo a day.

so i’ve been feeling that i’ve been “half-assing” my life, lately. i remember times where i would jump and dive into anything i could get my hands on. lately, i realized i’ve been “maintaining” my life instead of living it.

so, i started a photoblog on my birthday (that recently passed).
i decided to take a photo a day for a year to remind myself to live to the fullest and to ensure I do just that.

feel free to follow & pass on. i hope you enjoy the process as much as i will. 🙂 i’m curious to see what’s to come…

The Trevor Endeavor.

every time i come back home from visiting my second home (SF), i seem to re-spark my drive to make a difference. i’ve always said, i wanted to make a difference in the world…somehow, if even in the smallest way. i seem to get lost in all the bullshit when i’m in my daily grind.

this past weekend, i attended the SF PFLAG chapter meeting where the guest speaker was mike crane of The Trevor Project. mike and I spoke, briefly, before his talk with the group and he mentioned The Trevor Project was looking to branch out into the more conservative cities to cause awareness. since i’ve rejoined the speakers’ bureau of the OC PFLAG chapter, my hope is to bridge OC PFLAG & Trevor Project down here in Orange County (to start).

a bit about the trevor project, they focus on suicide prevention in the LGBTQ community. the 3rd most leading cause of death in teenagers is suicide and about 70% of those suicides are in part to do with LGBTQ issues…getting kicked out of the house therefore facing homelessness, rejected by parents & friends, bullied in the school system. These things can take a toll when already facing the difficult process of coming out.

anyhow, i talked with mike about spearheading the OC / LA chapter or at least doing what i can to help bring awareness out here in conservative OC. this is the philanthropist life i want to have. i, now, have the opportunity to make a difference in society and more so, in my own community.

mike & i have corresponded and it looks like we’re taking a step in the right direction in bringing this to the OC/Long Beach areas and the outlook for me being able to offer my energies to this movement is promising.

i hope the take me up on my offer to bridge various LGBTQ communities out here in OC with the Trevor Project.

if you want to know more about the trevor project, you can go here:

and feel free to drop a good word for me, if you’re so inclined. 😉