open…open…open..

i’ve been struggling with motivation, lately.  i work from home with a job that allows me to have a comfortable life, yet i still want more.  i still feel there is something missing in my life.  i’ve been in the bay for over a year now and…it has so much to offer.  

 i feel like i’m cheating myself. this city has everything to experience within it’s 7 mile radius.  yet, i sit in my living room working, step out for a bite and find myself planted back on my couch.  i feel like i’m on the path of someone i never wanted to be.  i went from an active social human being so a workaholic.

where has my motivation go? i think it’s the tight-knit group of friends i had back home.  i knew i could call anyone at anytime and someone would be there.  here, it’s rare when i can get someone to pick up the phone.  it’s not for the lack of “love,” i don’t think…it’s just different here so far.

the cost of living is stupid expensive too.  matter of fact, as of today, it’s the #1 most expensive city to live in.  yay.

i’ve always wanted to succeed, professionally and this is the best of done (financially) with my life, to date.  however, i’m missing my family (blood related and chosen).  i guess it’s a huge learning lesson for me.  it doesn’t matter how much you make if there isn’t a family around to enjoy it with.

maybe i just need to give this town a chance and do my part to open up my arms as the bay has done for me and for every other resident here.

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Perfect Time of Day…

i just got back from a 5 day hiatus from socal and spent it up in northern CA for my better half’s birthday. the more time i spend up there, the harder it is to leave. needless to say, my partner lives up there (which is hard enough to leave), but truly – the feeling i get of being able to exhale makes it all the more difficult to hop on that plane for the hour ride back “home” to socal. i love where i live. i do. however, to a larger scale, i don’t feel i can stretch and discover more of me, my own life, what i love and…there is just more for me up north.

i spent part of my stay there roaming around town on my own (and thankfully did not get lost taking the Muni on my own). i caught up with a really good friend and miss her already. i love spending time with her. she’s one of the very few that, not only understands my complex-emotional-mind, but doesn’t judge me on it.

anyhow, it felt so good to remove myself from the monotonous stress. it’s tough being back today. i already feel like i’m suffocating. i spend almost 8 hours of my day burying my head in between a set of headphones just to block everything out…and by “everything” i mean bullshit. while i’m sitting here typing away, i’m missing walks up there. you can’t do that here. if you don’t have a shiny car and would rather explore on foot, you get weird looks. to be honest, there’s not much to explore (on foot) in good ole orange county anyway.

i talk as if i absolutely loathe where i live, in which i don’t. i just feel better up north, that’s all. the people and energy are more suited for me.

i don’t know…i just don’t feel quite “awake’ anymore down here and i’m tired of being a drone. that’s the whole dilemma, i think. i always complain about “being bored with life” and maybe that’s the case because i know OC so well. i’ve done everything and have experienced and discovered all of my interests here. maybe it is just a matter of plucking myself out of this OC socket and re-plugging into SF.

moving on…(figuratively & literally)…
boo & i sneaked away to sonoma for a weekend of wine & olive oil tastings. i think we both learned a lot, especially how to refine our pallets. we both experienced all the wonderful flavors of the slew of different wines and fusion of olive oils.

after a 2 night / 3 day stay in sonoma, we headed back to a surprise bday dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant where all of her friends awaited her arrival. she was surprised. i loved it. the food was a lot better than i anticipated! when we were finished, we headed a few doors over to a very entertaining burlesque show. wow, that was an experience for sure.

whoa. i just felt like my mind shut off.
what is it with this mind-numb?!